The Not So Pervy Eye Smile
by Rarax
Summary: Crack fic!


_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, any of the characters in Naruto, or anything OF Naruto._

"No! I'm TELLING you! I was just watching the clouds on a hill in my backyard, and then the next thing I know I'm woken up, sitting on a bench, by this kid sucking my face!" The boy accused rather loudly, pointing at the boy sitting in the chair next to him, while the Third Hokage cringed from the noise.

The accused victim had yellow-blonde hair, bright blue eyes, some sort of whiskers on his face, and he wore orange clothing along with some sort of goggles over his forehead.

"Oi! I said I didn't mean to, it was completely accidental! I was running from these ninja and then something blew up, and then I flew into this building, and then I got up and tried to find out where I was, and then," He paused for breath, and the Third Hokage mentally sweat dropped. Didn't he know anything about grammar? "And then something fell behind me, and then I looked to see what it was, and then it was a big fat cook with a frying pan, and then I turned back around towards the door because they didn't look happy and all, and then I ran out, and then I got hit on my butt and then I flew into this creep, and-"

"And he started sucking my face!"

"Then I ended up kissing him!" The grammar-ignorant child finished, glaring poison at the other child- a boy in a dark cloak with a hood that cast dark shadows over the top half of his face, making it impossible to see anything of him other than his mouth, hands, and feet, though it was broad daylight.

The other boy returned the favor, giving off an aura of hate and misery to the orange-clad pre-ninja since he had no visible eyes to properly execute the action.

The Third Hokage looked between them, contemplating what to do. "So then, how do you both explain how all the buildings in a mile radius are completely covered in SAND and MAN-EATING WORMS!?"

Both boys immediately jerked back to facing the Hokage, sitting straight and rigid with their hands curled on their knees, sweatdropping and totally silent.

"Well?" The Hokage persisted, still irritated, folding his fingers together in front of him with his elbows propped on his desk. "I don't have all day."

"It was him!" The blondie accused, pointing at the black-clad boy.

The Hokage's gaze turned to the said child with an expectant look in his eyes.

"Well, they're not _man-eating..._" The boy said with a hesitant and technical tone, shrugging as if to say '_Well...' _again, avoiding the Hokage's gaze.

"Then what _are _they?" The Hokage asked, frustrated.

"Uhh... Worms that nom on people...? Don't worry, if you cut open the worms, the people will be just fine... There's no acidic substances in all the slime they drool, but..." He trailed off, laughing nervously as he sweat dropped heavily.

"But what...?" The goggle-headed boy asked.

"But... The drool does make non-living things disintegrate?"

"So? What's wrong with that?"

"Well, nothing, really... Or, uh, technically..." The cloaked boy fidgeted with the edges of the sleeves of his cloak.

"What do you mean?" The blonde boy persisted stubbornly.

"Uhh... Well you know, clothes aren't living..."

"So?" The blue-eyed boy sat back casually in his chair, putting his hands behind his head. "What's so bad about that?"

"Uhh... Well, I'm sure many people will be feeling violated after this, but I was kind of more concerned about the inanimate objects like, oh... I don't know... Houses, weapons, the ground... Ramen shops..."

"You mean that soon these monsters will be eating our villages _houses!?" _The Hokage exclaimed as the goggle-headed boy's eyes widened so much that the black-clad boy thought they might fall out before he dashed for the door, screaming about getting another bowl before they went out of drool or something.

_They make ramen with _drool? The hooded boy thought, and suddenly raced for the door also.

_"_Where's the nearest bathroom!?" He screamed, and then ran into the other kid, who had slammed into the door.

"It's looked." The blondie said with what sounded like an accent.

"Looked where- Hey! I don't have time for this, open the door-" He suddenly stopped. "Ohh god. Gonna hurl!"

He stumbled back and then turned to his right, falling on his knees. Everyone in the room shuddered at the horrible retching noises coming from the poor cloaked soul.

"A-ano... Daijoubu desu ka?" The blonde asked hesitantly, taking a tentative step towards the hunched over boy.

"NO! OF _COURSE _I'M NOT OKAY YOU DUMBBAG!" _Dumbbag? _The blonde thought, confused. "_Why would I be!?_"

"Uhh... More like, why wouldn't you be...?"

"Enough with the yelling!" The Hokage roared, using the famous Big Head Technique known by all teachers.

Immediately all attention was on him after the two boys recovered from the Jutsu, though the cloaked boy inched steadily away from the thick puddle of bile he left on the floor.

"Now," The Hokage exclaimed, even more frustrated than before. "Since, I must gather, that since you know so much about these _worms, _you will take care of them." He gave the shadowed boy a hard look, wishing he could see the boys eye's so he could properly stare him down.

"Me? But what about him!? If it weren't for him, none of this would have happened!" The cloaked boy complained, leaning forwards.

"He will be your partner and is to help you however you see fit." The Hokage said sternly, and then switched his gaze to the blonde, giving him an accusative look. "And you... if I find that you failed to help this boy in your mission, I'll make sure you see to it that all the repairs in the village of that area will be taken care of by you!"

The cloaked boy smirked, holding back a fit of giggles. "May I leave now, Hokage-sama?"

"No. As unauthorized personnel of this village I must examine you and your intentions for this village."

The cloaked boy's smirk disappeared and his head lowered, but if his eyes were visible, they would be staring right up at the Hokage with hate clouding their pupils. The blonde just laughed teasingly and got up.

"May I leave now, Hokage-sama?" The goggle-head asked.

"Nan desu ka? Oh, no. No, you both have to leave at the same time so I know that one of you don't run off." The Hokage replied.

"Nani!?" The blonde exclaimed, but regained himself and put his palms together, giving Sarutobi shiny puppy dog eyes. _"Please?"_

The Hokage sighed. "Then you must stay at Ichiraku's. I'm sending an Anbu to watch you, so don't try anything funny."

"Honto?" The whisker-cheeked boy asked incredulously.

"Hai majide." The Hokage replied, bowing his head forwards slightly.

"Yes!" The blonde exclaimed loudly, rushing out the now unlocked door. "Ramen!"

"So... What did you want to know?" The cloaked boy stood, growing about two feet, and smirked cruelly.

* * *

"Change course: BATHROOM BATHROOM BATHROOM BATHROOM!" The blonde boy screamed through the streets, having gotten half way to the Ichiraku Ramen stand before deciding he had to relieve his abdomen before his stomach, reassuring the villagers that he was not to be dealt with for any reason whatsoever.

Crashing into the ladies restroom, he didn't even pause to look for an open toilet, he just crashed into a stall, which just happened to be for handicapped, with a big sign on it which clearly said, **'_OUT OF ORDER_'**.

"Score." He said, looking at himself in the mirror.

He turned on the water and rinsed his hands before splashing his face, rubbing his cheeks to get the 'whiskers' off after taking off his goggles to let his bangs fall loose. Then he ducked his head under the water, running his fingers through his hair, and he watched the temporary yellow dye drained down the sink, making his hair become its natural light-colored blonde.

"Ano... Excuse me?" A definitely feminine voice called from outside the stall just as he was taking out blue contacts from his eyes to reveal calm sea-green eyes. "This stall says out of order... In case you, uhh... You didn't know?"

He then sweat dropped, trying to make up an excuse and make his voice sound more girly.

_Please tell me I did not go into the girls bathroom! _The boy thought, but then decided that as long as he could get out of here, the act wouldn't seem strange to the Anbu.

"Uhh... Yeah, I just, you know... Was just wanting to wash my hands and stuff and do my hair, so uhh... I didn't want to clog up the other stalls!" _Yeah! That's it!_

"Uhm... There are sinks and mirrors out here... Not in the stalls, ma'am."

"Ohhh..." The boy said stupidly. "Right..."

"So, umm... You should most likely come out of there before someone comes to fix the toilet?"

"Ohh- Um, I'm doing my... makeup, I'll just finish up in here and I'll be right out."

"... Alright, that's fine..."

_She was strange... _The blonde thought once he couldn't hear her footsteps anymore, and he got down on the floor, peeking under the door to see if anyone was there. No one.

He got back up, stripping off the orange jacket and pants to show a black shirt that was rimmed with a golden yellow where it opened, other than the bottom, and it had a small diamond cut-down, along with black pants that had nothing special but a golden yellow triangle-switch style belt.

Ditching the orange clothes on the ground by the toilet, the boy unlocked the stall door and made a mad dash for the exit. His downfall was letting down his guard when he was in the exit/entry way.

The boy ran into Tenten and fell back, not getting what happened until he saw an enraged girl with lots of shiny pointy objects in hand.


End file.
